I'm preparing for rain.

We've been doing a lot of soul-searching for the past month or so.

I don't know if we have ever written this story down and B is clearly the better story teller, but I will do my best to document our little trial of finding a church.

B and I were both raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school until 2nd grade, but she went all 12 years. My mom would attend church occasionally, but my dad only set foot in one for our baptisms. He even left during my confirmation mass to "go check the chicken" for my party.

My parents had these Baptist friends that would take us (my sister and I) to their weekly kid's program (AWANA-which I think is a national program that is still around today). Anyway, through the Baptist Wednesday night program, Catholic mass, catechism and youth group, as well as a plethora of vacation bible schools, I was immersed in Christianity....and I loved it.
(On a side note, I used to pray to God every night, over and over "Please do not let me be a lesbian..." before I truly even knew what a lesbian was.)

Anyway, when I finally came out to myself (and others) I figured it was either be true to myself or be a Christian. I stopped going to my Campus Crusade for Christ meetings and grew apart from my Christian friends, both of which I loved. I didn't, however, quite stop attending services.

When B and I got together I would ask her to go to church with me. It was always no. I remember one Easter season she said yes. I was so excited. Right before we were about to leave, she changed her mind. I was devastated. I wanted this woman who I was beginning to love to share the love of Christ with me. She just wasn't ready.

Fast forward 3-4 years.

After living in our house for a few months, I decided to go check out The Big Church down the street. TBC was nothing I was used to. It was "non-denominational" (although originally it was founded under the Baptist doctrine) and very contemporary. The worship songs that were sung there were fun and uplifting. In fact, the entire service felt that way.

Something happened within B and she was ready to give TBC a chance. Once I got her in those doors, she was hooked, perhaps even more than I was! We attended for almost a year. I became a Sunday School teacher and youth volunteer. B was looking into some Bible Study groups. Nothing was ever said about us being gay, but no one seemed to notice. We decided to sit down with the pastor to find out the church's position.

That didn't go so well. He basically said he has never had to deal with the "gay" situation before. He said we would be welcome in the church, but we would have to hide our lifestyle or become celibate.

We prayed a lot about that meeting and decided that we did not believe that God was asking us to become celibate and live as friends. We left TBC and never went back.

Its been a year or two since we left TBC and we haven't been to any others (save one Christmas Eve mass at a random church down the street). Well last Sunday we were invited to witness one of B's coworkers pass on his youth minister job to the next guy. We went. It was nice. Throughout the week I even started listening a little more to the Christian music I used to love so much.

Today, we went to a different church. A Unity church. A gay-affirming church. A church formerly led by Marianne Williamson (ironically enough, I went once when I was younger when she was there). The message today was to believe in yourself. To prepare yourself for what God has in store for you. Prepare for God's abundant blessings. I kept relating the message back to our TTC process. I am taking on a new attitude and I am going to need some help to keep up this positive outlook.

When we returned from our errands after church, we put in the movie Facing the Giants that we had rented last night. What an amazing and uplifting movie. Nothing tugs at my heartstrings more than Jesus and infertility (and a good underdog football team).

I have decided that I am going to start preparing for rain with this baby-makin. I'm ready when You are!

I took an OPK after the movie-perhaps hoping for a miracle sign from the Big Guy. CD33. What are the chances that I would get an allllllllllllllmost positive OPK?

Everything happens for a reason. I'm just waiting for the rain.