Confession

I've had 3 days worth of positive HPTs. (including two at the doctor's office)
However, when they drew blood yesterday (10DPO), my qualitative pregancy test came back negative.
So...I'm not pregnant?
I just took another test when I got home and the second line came up clear as day.
I'm confused.

*edited at 3:15 to add*
This is what the nurse just emailed me after I asked her why I would have two separate answers:

I asked Dr. C and he indicated that if your urine is concentrated or if you
take a pregnancy test in the mornings, it will give a false reading. He said it
usually is not positive until you have two bright lines.

This was my response to the nurse:

I am very happy to be reacting to the medicine. However, I find it very odd that I would get so many false positives, both at your office and my home (at different points of the day and different levels of concentration of urine). What is the labs cut-off for the qualitative HCG? I know that labs vary and some are low (like 5 and others are as high as 50). Also, I have seen many pregnancy tests (both positive and negative) and dealt with many doctors . Although I respect Dr. C, I do disagree with his opinion that it is not positive until you have two bright lines. A line is a line is a line on a pregnancy test (unless of course it is an evap line....but I know all about those as well).I'm hoping I can prove him wrong, but I guess only time will tell. It's still so early in my cycle, I am willing to believe I could be pregnant.

On the road to baby!

I started yesterday, which means my CD2 u/s is a go for today!
I will get my meds today as well and begin them when they tell me to. I will either be on clom.id or fem.ara (neither I, or the doctor will know which one).
Today I have some horrible cramps, but they are reminding me about the joys of being a woman and the wonderful opportunities we have to bring children into the world.

Notes to Self

• Do not record your symptoms in FF. They will just give you false hope. You can have all of the symptoms and not end up pregnant.
• Same holds true for temping. Stop temping once you know you have ovulated. Just start wearing protection on CD13 and call it a day.
• Do not read facebook on CD1. Inevitably someone will announce their pregnancy...or in today's case..TWO people.
• Watch Weeds. Weeds makes you feel better.
• Do not get mad/angry/jealous/irritated with people who say "I'm so sorry" or "It will happen when it happens." or "God has perfect timing." They mean well. They want you to feel better.
• Remember it is not a race. Who cares that people that are younger than you are working on their second, third, or FOURTH babies (see bullet point #3)? You will have the perfect baby at the perfect time.
• As much as it feels like it, each busted cycle is not a reflection on you. You are not a failure.
• You are a mother, no matter what anyone says.

CD1 Again.

Yep. She's here.

Losing Hope

Yesterday I woke up with a slight fever that stayed with me all day. I had a general day of feeling like crap, but I couldn't tell you what hurt. Just felt like crap for most of the day. Oh, and hot. We skipped church (something we rarely do) and even our Sunday School Teacher meeting (which only happens once a month). We did make it out for our friend's birthday dinner, but left early because I was having another horrific hot flash.

This morning, my temp was a full degree lower than it was yesterday. I was sad. Today is 13DPO, so it makes sense to have a temp dive downward. When I put it in ff, I did see that I am still above the coverline, but it just feels like af is around the corner. I checked the "fever" box for yesterday, so it discredited my temp (which was 98.8).

I know its not over until it's over, but hope is slipping away. I hate that you can have perfect timing, lots of the symptoms (my bbs are still sore this morning), and still not end up pregnant.

CD3 and a baby shower

Blood arrived on Friday.
Today B and I (as well as my mom and sister) have the joy of attending a baby shower in honor of one of my sister's childhood friends (who she no longer really talks to).
The shower is being held in the bar where she works. Right.
She's unwed, 4 years younger than me, a recovering alcoholic, an admitted drunk driver, has done time in prison and had a tether.
I know I'm not supposed to judge, but I totally am.
Why does she get a nice healthy baby (albeit with a bit of a white trash name...I've never had a "good" student with this name) and I don't.
I'm jealous.
I hate feeling jealous, especially of her.
But I'll go the baby shower.
I just hope it is non-smoking and there is food I can eat.


I just re-read this and I sound horrible. Now I'm feeling guilty. My sister's "friend" is a nice girl, and hilarious. We have had some pretty fun times in the past...I'm just seeing green right now.


Oh and FF is being a jerk-face. I thought it was my computer, so I did a virus check and ended up finding 6 instances of viruses or adware. That didn't help. Every time I open FF, other programs/websites freeze up. I can't enter anything.


In other news, I did our taxes this weekend and I am very thankful for tax returns. I have no problem giving the government an interest free loan throughout the year, as long as I get a big payment in February!

Temp was 97.6 this morning.
At least the outcome is clear(er) now.
Onward and upward.
Bring on the baby.

Two questions:
1. Anyone having problems with FF?
2. Any preggo/new moms have CBEFM sticks or OPKs they want to donate or sell at a reduced price? I need to purchase some more but was waiting to find out about this cycle.

BFN..again.

Af arrived at noon today. Happy Holidays to me. =/

Where was my temp dip warning?!?! I've never had an 11 day luteal before..wth?

I'll start back on the Met. tonight.

She's here...

Blood arrived at 12:30pm today.
Here's to next month.

Quick Elaboration-BFN post

This cycle was a bit wonky with temps and no peak on the monitor. I was fairly confident I O'ed on CD23, but without the monitor agreeing, and with a bonus positive OPK, I was thrown for a loop. I continued to temp, having some pregnancy symptoms starting at 8DPO (a day after a clear temp shift-implantation dip?). The waves of nausea were very reminiscent of the Sprout pregnancy's first trimester. I took a test at 10DPO and there was a line. It was faint, but it was there, and came up rather quickly. Having experienced a chemical pregnancy two months ago, we were tentatively excited. However, B did not want me to share anything here (hence my cryptic posts).

11DPO the line was even fainter. At 12DPO we switched to Dollar store tests. Then I started doubting myself. Am I seeing a line, or is it just a shadow. At 13DPO (yesterday) I saw nothing. When B woke up, a few hours later than me, she saw a clear line. (Clearly an evap).
This morning (14DPO), my temp shifted downward and I've had some spotting.

This cycle didn't work, but I am pretty confident I still ovulated since my luteal phase was the same length as usual.

After work this afternoon I will stop at the drug store to pick up AF products and my new script for Met.for.min. (I haven't been on Met.for.min regularly since February...I tried it for a few days a month after the miscarriage, but I had such a problem with it, I stopped...so I'm trying it again, with a new prescription. If this script still makes me feel like a$$, then I will ask for the extended release version). I have decided that I am starting with one 500mg pill a day and will eventually work myself up to the 3 a day I was prescribed a while ago.

Line. No line. Period. No Period.

Why does TTC make a fairly educated woman (aka me) so confused.
There was a line.
Then there wasn't.
Then there was.
Who knows.
I feel like my period is going to start.
I will test again in the morning if my temp stays high.
Today is 13DPO.
No congratulations please...let's wait this out.

BFN and a Sprout-a-versary

Welp, we are not celebrating a BFP.

We are however celebrating CD1, which means we are about 2 weeks away from our next TWW.

Our time will come, I just know it.

On a side note, today marks 4 months from when little Sprout became an angel.

I lit a couple of candles in the living room to mark the occasion, since J and I will both be working long days tomorrow and won't be able to participate in the Day of Remembrance for Infant and Pregnancy Loss.

The candles are also lit for you - you know who you are. We are all in this together.

Still Negative

No double line this morning.
I'm 14DPO. I've never gone this far without blood or a positive test.
I am thinking it could be three things:
1. I am pregnant, it's just not showing up on the test yet.
2. I am not pregnant, but AF has not arrived yet.
3. I got my ovulation date wrong, so I am not really 14DPO. (If this is the case, because we did only one insem this cycle, the chance of me being pregnant is veryveryslim.)

Last month I had the positive test, but no pregnancy, maybe this month I won't have the positive, but end up with a baby...wouldn't that be marvelous?

Oh and I took my temp this morning just to see if it would be in the 97's (a sure sign AF is on her way) and it was 98.0. Limbo land. Great.

I'm trying to stay positive...

Couldn't wait

So I tested.
No second line.
Perhaps we will test again tomorrow.

Nosedive

Nosedive temp today.
Blood should arrive today or tomorrow.
Come on June baby!

No Line

I'm thinking Chemical Pregnancy.
There was no line at all on either test this morning.
So I am thinking I was pregnant, but just not anymore.
I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant had I not tested so freakin' early (another good reason to wait..please remind me of this during our next TWW!)
My temp is still high.

I am so grateful to know I can get pregnant...and apparently fairly easily...with the right swimmers.

I was only going to call the doctor if it was positive, but now I am second guessing myself and thinking I should probably still call her and let her know. She most likely doesn't even have my full records she requested last week.

I apologize for getting everyone's hopes up. Our hopes were up too.

Happy First Day of School to me...

CD4 - Mom in the hospital

I got a call yesterday during my planning hour from B.
"Are you alone in your room."
"No" (I had a co-worker waiting to speak with me)
"Well I have some bad news about your mom"
Not the type of call you want to get at work, or anytime for that matter. Apparently, my sister had called B at work sobbing to tell her that my dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had a podiatrist appointment earlier in the morning (my mom is diabetic and has 3 toes removed-not all from the same foot). He told her that she has gangrene and her toe and possibly up to her knee had to be removed. Scary.
So I conjured up a sub (who was actually subbing for our grade level parapro), threw together some lesson plans, and ran out the door to the hospital.
Surprisingly, I arrived at the hospital just a few minutes after my sister and at the same time as my brother-in-law. We met up in the parking lot. We basically spent the entire day in the ER room. I don't know if any of you have every been around gangrene, but the stench is horrible. It looks horrible. Her entire toe is black. Other parts of her foot are oozing. Very, very, gross.
My dad finally left around 3:30. The rest of us left when they took her down for an arterial doppler and x-rays, which was around 5pm. I used that time to run home, let the dogs out, eat some dinner, and get B. We were back at the hospital by 6:30 and she was still in the ER room. The nurse said she had a bed assignment, but couldn't move her to the floor without the ER doctor's orders, so they were waiting on him. The foot surgeon said it doesn't look good for the toe, but didn't say too much about having to go higher than that. The surgical team is also going to try IV antibiotics first and see if it helps the infection. B and I left aroun 7:45 for home. It was one long day.

I still haven't completely rebounded from this BFN and the stress of this isn't helping, but it is keeping my mind occupied. I have to remind myself that I am blessed and everything happens for a reason.

Nope.

CD1.

I can't handle comments today. Sorry.

Results

I scored a 273. I needed a 275. Because the scores are weighted, I did not get my certification by a fraction of a point.
Luckily, I can redo a section. (For $350)
60% of people do not pass it their first time. I just wanted to be one of the 40% that do...

Email sent to my co-workers

Below is the email I sent to 4 of my coworkers last night.

The chosen few, that's who you are. You four lucky women that get to
know all about our baby-makin process...=)
Anyway, as I told you all last week, our first medically assisted insem did not work. (This is the one they do in the doctor's office with a long catheter and thawed
swimmers.)
You see, our known donor moved away to Boston, so we could not longer do the insems at home. Total bummer, but we thought that with the medical intervention, our chances of a positive pregnancy might increase. Yeah, not so much.
Although we love our RE (reproductive endocrinologist), and all the monitoring, it is very expensive. Just to get the little swimmers to Michigan costs almost $600 for 5mL. 5mL?! That's not much, let me tell you. And that is not including any
medical costs for the actual procedure. The RE's office hasn't figured out how to code the actual insemination for a lesbian couple. Great. So we might have to pay
that upfront and hope and pray to get reimbursed through B's insurance (her
insurance pays up to $5000 lifetime for infertility). As a result, sadly, we have to sit a cycle out. (Hopefully only one..)We are looking for another local donor, but we
realized we really have no male friends. Anybody know a healthy guy, preferably with known successful swimmers? Let us know. =)
So that's our story.While we wait to get pregnant, I am growing my hair out. I have decided it will be a great distraction for myself and as a bonus it will be a great visual for y'all. That way there is no awkward questions or glances at those mid-year PD days. If the hair is short, congratulate. if not..well..don't say anything....unless you
want a f-emotional basketcase on your hands. Perhaps by the end of this all,
locks of love will get a nice donation. And if for some reason I choose to cut my hair and get sick of it, i'll let you know too.
Sorry if that was TMI. I promise it will be the first and last email on this subject...unless you ask. =)
Have a happy first day of school.
J