I have written this in bits and pieces over the past few days. It is long and I haven’t proof-read it, but I wanted to share it here.
I don’t think I will ever forget the past few days, and even though it is an unhappy memory I would rather let slide from my memory, I need to write down the events for my own healing.
On Wednesday, June 10th, I began having severe back pain in my lower right back. No position or medication would help. At first, we thought it was just sever gas pains. I was also very nauseous. However, when they got too bad to handle, we opted to head to the nearest hospital, St. John Main. This was about 11pm. (We live about 5minutes from this hospital, and even less when B is traveling over 55 mph down 7 Mile). When we got there, they took me almost immediately back to triage to get my vitals and told me to wait in the waiting room. I went to the bathroom and saw that I was gushing blood. I told the receptionist and she passed the word on. Not long afterward, we were escorted to an ER private room. They hooked me up to all of the monitors, put in an IV (after 2 tries) and put in a catheter (after 2 tries in the wrong hole and the nurse jamming my cervix, thinking it was my bladder, she got a new nurse who put it in correctly right away). We waited a while and then I was taken up to the ultrasound. The tech could tell me nothing during the exam. After being wheeled back down to my room, we anxiously waited the results, all while I was bleeding and passing tissue. The Dr. came in and told us the ultrasound looked good. Baby was measuring fine there was a heartbeat. He did a haphazard pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed. After a shot of Rho-gam, I was sent home with the diagnosis of “Threatened Miscarriage”. We returned home around 8am. B called the doctor and they got us in right away. We heard the heartbeat at the OB and they sent us home with instructions to remain on bed rest.
All day Thursday I remained on bed rest and did virtually nothing. The bleeding slowly turned into just spotting.
Friday was pretty much the same thing, until around 4pm. I began having some cramping in the front of my uterus. I assumed it was gas again, because the pains would come and go, and were not constant like the Wednesday before. By 8:30pm, we decided to start timing them. We realized that they were coming at regular intervals; 2.5 minutes apart and last for 45-55 seconds. Since we were pretty sure that gas pains did not come in regular intervals, we called the doctor again. This time we went to St. John Macomb. When we got there, we told them that we were 14.5 weeks pregnant and having contractions. After what seemed like forever as the ER receptionist typed in all of my information, they finally took me up to Labor and Delivery. Once up there, they asked for a urine sample (while giving that, the fire alarm started going off). Then they took us back to a triage area. They checked the baby’s heartbeat with a Doppler, did a pelvic exam to determine that the cervix was closed, and then sent us home. I was still in pain. The doctor said the cause of the “cramping” was possibly because my uterus didn’t like passing the blood, so it was cramping. I am mad that they didn’t hook me up to any kind of monitor to determine if I was indeed having contractions. I don’t know if this would have changed the outcome at all, but I am still angry that they just sent me home.
Saturday I took it very easy and did nothing again. I was still spotting, but nothing major.
Sunday was ok until around 7pm. I just didn’t feel right. I was hot and had a fever of 100.9. I was having some pains again, but I couldn’t quite tell where they were or if it was pregnancy related. Around 7:30pm I got up from the recliner to use the bathroom and I felt a gush of liquid. I was sure it was blood, but when I got to the bathroom it was clear. My pad was soaked through. I began to think I was leaking amniotic fluid. I sat back down to Google and was kind of reassured that many women leak fluid and the sac can reseal itself. However, the cramping came back. I got up again and felt the gush. This time it was blood. B called the after hour line as I sat in pain on the toilet. While sitting I passed massive amounts of blood and tissue. She was crying on the phone and the doctor told us to go to the nearest hospital. I was burning up. It took us literally 5 minutes to get to the hospital and we valeted the van to get to the ER department as quickly as possible. They got me in a wheelchair right away and I was in so much pain. I just wanted them to take me back. I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I felt like I was going to pass out. I am not quite sure how long we waited to be taken back, but once we got back to triage, the nurse asked a few questions and started to take my vitals. My temp was lower but so was my blood pressure. It was 70/30. She ushered B out of the room and ran me back to resuscitation “recess” (what a fun name for not a fun place). I remember telling her how the breeze felt so good on my skin, since by this time I was covered in sweat. They had a bed and an entire staff waiting for me by the time we got there. People were poking and pulling everywhere. Someone started taking my shirt off and I was able to help. I was so hot, I wanted nothing on. I didn’t care how many people were there. Someone asked me if I was normally a pale skinned person. I told her that I am not tan, but not too white. Apparently I was pretty pale and my coloring was all off. Later they told me I was grey. They laid me down on the bed and put both of my arms out like Jesus. Jeff (he said I would remember his name, since he had to poke me so much) started IV’s in both arms (right in the crook of my elbow-apparently they need the quickest place with the best vein). He poked me a few more times in various spots to get blood. I’m not quite sure what else was going on, but they did give me morphine. They did a quick ultrasound once they found the machine and saw no heartbeat. I was convinced I had miscarried the baby at home in the toilet. OB came down to tell my nurses that she had to do an emergency C-section and would be back. I kept asking for B, so they finally brought her back. She had called my sister and her husband and they were on their way.
I was still having contractions and the pain meds were not helping. I was in labor and writhing in pain. I asked to be put on a bed pan because I could feel everything coming out and I didn’t like it. I could tell when I was going to pass tissue because the pain was so intense. They gave me the maximum dose of morphine and then switched to fentynol. I had two doses of fentynol, but I was still in agony. Finally OB came down and they sent my sister and brother in law to the family waiting area. B was able to stay, thank God. They did a pelvic exam and pulled more tissue out, however, she needed to feel if my cervix was closed. I swear the woman shoved her whole arm up my vagina. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I was actually screaming and crying. Once the exam was over, I was able to feel better. I knew no pain could compare to what I had went through. Then the nurse tells me she needs to put in a catheter. Great. Given my past experience with nurses and catheters I was less than thrilled. Luckily, she got it in on the first try and with little pain at all. They cleaned me up and sent me up to the actual ultrasound place. The same woman who did my ultrasound on Wednesday did the ultrasound again. Then they wheeled me to a regular ER room. 66. Too bad there was already someone in 66, so I had to wait in the hall until he was transported upstairs to a real room. Once settled in my room (around 11:30pm) B and my sister were able to come back. My sister eventually went home, B and I waited around for some antibiotics and another Rho-gam shot, and we were sent on our way. We were home by 2:30am. The nurse did come in and tell us that they did find the baby in the tissue that I passed. They do a group cremation for all of the babies that are miscarried and there will be a memorial set up at a local cemetery. All we have to do is look for the date. There are no names, just dates. The hardest part was signing on the line that said “mother.” They also sent us home with a “bereavement folder” which we have yet to take a look through. I didn’t cry on Sunday night/early Monday morning, but I woke up in tears.
I know it will get easier as time passes, at least I hope this is true, but right now I am taking it minute by minute. I haven’t been able to talk to friends on the phone yet, but I did speak with my sister on Monday afternoon. My mom and dad called separately today and I was able to talk to them both for brief amounts of time. I am nervous about going to the doctor tomorrow. I know people mean well by giving their condolences and their sad looks, but somehow I think it hurts more. I hate retelling the story over and over. I just want to get past this. I know our lives will never be the same.
