This past week was a nightmare. Sunday night was probably one of the terrifying moments of my life. I haven't ever talked to someone who's miscarried before, so I don't know if they are normally such physically dangerous and traumatic experiences. Watching the color drain from J's face as we waiting in the ER...the triage nurse taking her bp twice, after she didn't believe how low it was the first time (it was 70/30)...then looking at me dead in the eye and firmly telling me to "go wait outside" and then RUNNING with J in a wheelchair to the trauma room...the patient advocate taking me to the private waiting room for "RESUS" patients - the ones who are being hooked up to ventilators and heart monitors and being resussitated back to life...sitting in that room alone, not knowing what was happening to my wife or our unborn child...calling J's sister and our best friends in tears...the doctor coming in and telling me there were "no fetal heart tones" on the ultrasound...consequently collapsing into a chair and sobbing...
And that wasn't even the worst of it. Watching J writhe and scream in agony while the last of the tissue and clots were removed by an OB with one of the worst bedside manners I'd ever seen. I had to put my face right in front of hers...inches away...so she could calm down enough for them to pull out whatever it was they were pulling out. It all happened so fast, and yet at the same time I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. It was like a scene from a bad horror movie.
I couldn't stop crying. I tried so hard...again...to be strong and calm but I just couldn't. I had just witnessed one of my worst nightmares unfold before my eyes. I was powerless to help J or save our baby. All I could do was cry. When we got home I tucked her in on the couch and cried some more. Then I went around the house gathering every pregnancy book and Sprout memorabilia I could find and threw them into the baby room. J was in total shock, her body was still adjusting to everything that had just happened, and just laid there still and silent. The next morning, it took about 5 minutes after she woke up before she was sobbing.
Right now I just want to make sure she is okay. I'm using 3 days of bereavement leave from work, plus two vacation days from time off I had planned to take in July. I had originally planned to go back on Monday, but I don't know. There really isn't anyone we know that lives close enough to stay with her during the day, and she cannot be alone right now. At least not for four days in a row (I work Mon-Thurs and Saturdays, with Fridays and Sundays off). Any suggestions in this department are welcome.
In the meantime I am keeping busy making sure she's eating, resting and taking her meds. It's all I can do.
10 comments:
this whole situation just has no words.... none. She needs you right now, I hope that you can stay home for as long as possible to help her be safe.
you're doing such a good job taking care of J. make sure you're taking care of you, too.
I agree with Jessie...please make sure you are taking care of yourself also.
I really don't know what to say, but do know that I am keeping the two of you in my thoughts and prayers.
As someone who had a tramatic week last week as well, having a spouse who is there for you, supporting and taking care of you means everything. The outcome of your journey is heartbreaking and I think time off together is the band-aid for the situation. Take care of each other because this happened to you as well, so make sure you lean on each other for love and support. hugs.
I am so terribly sorry for what you both went through. I can't even begin to imagine the grief, the shock, the loss. Our thoughts are prayers are with you.
First of all, I can't believe how strong you both are. To have come through that nightmare is no small feat. The fear, pain, and devastation will not go away, but it will fade over a long period of time.
Secondly, I'm close enough to be there - and I can take as much time next week as I need, because I haven't had a day off since my vacation to MO. R2 is with my dad, so I have no restrictions. Just say the word.
And quit trying to be a rock for J. You suffered the loss too. It's okay for you both to be a mess.
I know J appreciates your loving support. The way La was with me when we had our miscarriage is something that I will always hold dear and honestly was the only good memory of that time. That feeling of no matter what we were together and I could just be as much of a mess as I needed to be.
Keeping you both in thought and prayer.
oh this is hard. I am sure you are taking good care of J. Be nice to yourself too. xo L
I am so very sorry you are going through this. Love and strength to you.
You are doing such a good job of taking care of your wife, and I hope you'll be able to take care of yourself as well. I am so sorry for what the two of you are going through. Sending you love and healing as you wade through this. xoxo
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