High Stress

The next month and a half are going to be very stressful. Add on top of that 2 cars that broke down (one is STILL not fixed) and you have a very stressed household.
We're trying, but sometimes its like the universe just turns on you.
Below is something B posted in her other blog, so if you could..offer some support and some virtual hugs. You guys are amazing and I am sure some of you have felt this way before...

I am completely overwhelmed right now. J's car is STILL in the shop. We were supposed to have it back on Monday or Tuesday, and when the mechanic went to pick it up today it wouldn't start. Now he's saying the fuel pump might need to be replaced. When we dropped it off on Sunday afternoon it was supposed to be a quick fix and we would have it back in a day or two. It's been almost a week and God knows how much money we'll have to spend to get it back.

Our house is falling apart. The basement is dirty, moldy and the crack in the foundation continues to grow as the days go by. Of course we have no money to repair it. The rest of the house is liveable but little things need to be done like doorknobs replaced, paint touch-ups and new blinds. I feel like we live in a college house the way everything is falling apart.

J still isn't pregnant, and that alone is a stress. I'm worried about our KD and that our asking him to help us has added additional stress to his life. I am so grateful to him for doing this I tear up just thinking about it, and I worry that he'll decide it's too much to handle and back out. (I realize that this fear is irrational and unfounded, but it's still a fear I have.)

I don't know how we are going to afford everything we want and/or need in this next year. J's student loan checks are going to stop coming and we are probably going to have to buy a new car. We'll both get a raise (J's will be significant once she completes her Masters program and gets Nationally Board Certified), but the house and the cars will soak up any extra revenue we had planned to use to save up for our future child.

I feel so lost and out of control with everything going on in our lives and I loathe it. I am beyond the point of meditating my anxieties away - I need aspiritual intervention. In the car tonight J said that she is trying to stay positive, not only to help her fertility but to help her through day to day life. She said my recent ranting and raving about our dire situation is making it difficult for her. But sometimes I need a chance to just let
it all out, get it off my chest and breathe. I go through life so quickly, letting the days pass without letting myself get stuck down in negativity as much as possibly can. After a while things start to catch up with me and the next thing I know I can hardly breathe. I need a chance to let myself fall apart and have her there to hold me, comfort me and lift me back up again, no questions asked.

I know episodes like this are cyclical and eventually the universe will realign itself. I understand that I can take more control of my life by changing my perspective. I am just feeling very defeated, which makes it hard to believe what I know to be true. Perhaps a good cry and a cup of hot tea will help lift me a little. Until then, I mope.

In other news, CD18. OPKs still negative. CBEFM high. I couldn't take my temp this morning because I had a horrible night's sleep and was up every hour.