That line is taken from one of my all-time favorite movies: Look Who's Talk.ing. It came into my head this morning while searching through dozens of donor profiles at various sperm bank websites. Did you guys know that there are literally THOUSANDS of men out there doin their thang and getting paid? And that because of that we have to sift through all those THOUSANDS of profiles to try to find a match who not only looks a little bit like me but who is also not a killer?
It is pretty fun though. We love KD and are incredibly grateful for his...er...assistance these past few months, but it's kind of exciting to be able to pick someone who looks a little more like me. So that when people see me with her/him they won't automatically assume that "daddy must have had the dominant genes".
I found a profile this morning that I fell in love with, who claims that he likes to "go against the grain" and that his future children will be "sensitive, unusual and kind." He had me at unusual. For me that's code for "complete dork who will be teased mercilessly for an extensive knowledge of biohazardous particles and their love of REM." SWEET. All seems well until I realized that this person could quite possibly be spending a good portion of their lives writing Fan Fic or playing W.o.W. - probably with my co-workers, nonetheless. It's not a total turn-off, just food for thought.
And then there's the profile essay-turned-therapy session where potential donor describes his family dynamic as "strained" and where "sincerity rarely creeps in" because his parents divorced when he was a kid and he only saw his dad once every other week. Not that I'm opposed to honesty, but I've got enough family drama in my life and don't need to add any more - even by way of genetics.
But with all the fun comes the stress of making sure the donor not only looks like me but carries similar beliefs and a sense of humor, which is certainly not easy. There are ways (if you spend an astronomical amount of money) to get more detailed information on your potential donor, but nothing will ever take the place of a face-to-face conversation. I sift through these profiles and wonder where these guys came from, what kinds of things do they feel strongly about, do they treat the women in their lives well, do they have strong friendships and social circles, are they able to laugh at little things, do they believe in social justice...but they don't tell you that on a donor profile. We don't have the luxury of peeking into the daily lives of these men, we just have to hold out hope that the way they're representing themselves on paper is an accurate description of their lives. It is the biggest leap of faith I have ever encountered, even bigger than deciding to have children in the first place.
Someday, no matter how it happens, I hope we'll be able to give our children a little of each of us and the inherent stuff will take a back seat, no matter which donor we pick.
Even if he likes Star Wars - a LOT. And even if our insems start to look a little like this:
3 comments:
It certianly can be a bizarre process. It is funny what you start to notice about your priorities as you read through them. Since we just started with our second frozen donor, I think that the second time, things matter less. It really just boils down to wanting to get sperm that gets me pregnant. I can deal with any genetics. I think nurture matter more anyway.
We're moving to our second donor now. I'm already a lot less picky. And what I've heard from people more experienced than me is that it matters less and less. By the end, it's just "who can knock me up fast?" .... And for all the women who I know who are pregnant or parenting children from donor sperm, it matters even less once you're pregnant. So if it helps, I think this part of the process is only a temporary obsession. Other stuff becomes more important soon. That was a relief to me, because I don't like the process of choosing ...
I agree with J.K-c and Lizzie, we are on our 2nd donor this time around. We looked through hundreds and hundreds of profiles it seemed, of course you want to pick the best one with the least health problems and no family pyschopaths --however, in the end... it just matters if they are strong, healthy sperm. Like, J.K-c said, nurture over matter will always be the case.
This is why I don't really understand why they sell Donor sperm from a Dr. or a PHD for more money.. Just because the father was a doctor by no means does that mean his children will be one too... It matters on how YOU raise them, and the morals that you teach them from the begining...
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