I feel so stupid and betrayed by my body.
I thought I was "listening to my intuition," or "going with my gut."
We did our first insemination of this cycle on CD15, knowing full well that FF did not expect my ovulation until CD21 or later. But I got my first high on my CBEFM, and since its my second month on the monitor, I was convinced that I would only have anywhere form 1-5 days before ovulation.
I was wrong.
The sperm life span window came and went after that insem.
Then, I started trying to listen to my body and examine and obsess over the CBEFM sticks (yes, even though the monitor does that for me). I was convinced I was going to ovulate, very soon. We did another insemination on CD19.
I was wrong. Again.
Everyday I wake up expecting a PEAK on my monitor. When it says high, I am discouraged, but then I think, well I will just have a positive OPK in the afternoon and a peak the next day.
Everyday, I have been wrong.
I hate this.
The thing is, I am still in the window of when FF thinks I will ovulate (CD22). So I haven't even "missed" it yet this month. I just feel that our first two insems were wasted. I know that KD is willing and ready to give us a donation when I finally get that PEAK, but I am also thinking about asking him if he would mind giving us an extra one, just to put my mind at ease. We never said in our donor agreement how many donations per month...which perhaps we should have, but I verbally told him 2-3. Last month we were only able to do one, so maybe he won't mind. Doesn't hurt to ask.
I did get a slight temp drop this morning, which for some people means ovulation is near, but who knows with my body.
I never thought I would miss the TWW.
12 comments:
Don't feel stupid... none of this is easy... if our bodies were that predictible we would not have anything to worry about :) I would ask the donor for another specimen when you get peak on that monitor... sometimes it seems like forever until the monitor shows peak! I remember!
So sorry you are so stressed! I totally understand the pain! I think that timing is WAY more stressful than the TWW. When you are trying to time things you feel that there is some sense of control that you are suppossed to have and in the TWW there is nothing you can control. Oh, and with CBEFM I get at least 5 high days a cycle..."high" doesn't mean anything to me because if I give it a stick it will at least say high.
Keep on testing and trusting those OPKs.
Fingers crossed and good luck!!!!
I always get a bit of a dip before ovulation. I would pay attention to that. Don't beat yourself up either ok? This stuff will drive anyone crazy (as you will tell by my 2nd to last post on my blog). Drives a person freaking nuts. I think you should ask your donor for another "donation". I'm sure he will not mind, as you've said you mentioned 2-3 per month. If it will put your mind at ease, I would honestly do it. The more insems, the better really. Good luck girl - and try not to get down. Lots of virtual support your way.
It's so great that you have a KD who is available and willing to work with you and your body.
I want that!
Don't feel stupid. Like Meg said our bodies don't always do what we think/want/like. I too would ask for another donation. I can't imagine he would mind.
My intuituion is fairly shite. I put my faith in science - CBFM in the morning then one or possibly two OKPs around 12 noon and 4pm (I even stretch to the expensive ones with the smiley faces so there can be no ambiguity). We have always gone with insemming once we have a definitive peak or positive opk.
You have a great donor and fresh goodies for free - I'm sure he won't mind going again. And if it doesn't work this time, just think how much more confident you'll feel next time! Good luck.
The CBEFM takes a while, at least 3-4 cycles, to kind of connect with your body and figure out what is normal for you. Before that time, you can get less Highs or more Highs depending on what it thinks a typical amount of E2 is. (The "High" reading is an estrogen reading, while the "Peak" is an LH surge... so they are measuring different things and the monitor may not sync them up.)
One of my first cycles, I was using the CBEFM and also using meds from my RE. I did my hCG trigger the night before and didn't get a Peak the next day. What? Technology is not always reliable.
Def use the OPK backups. xo
Sounds really damn frustrating! I'm also glad that you have numerous opportunities to insem, what with a helpful KD and all.
Our level of intervention was so different (ovulation induction, u/s monitoring, trigger shot, DIUI at the RE's office) that we never had to rely on fertility indicators.
I hope that your path leads you to an easy (and relatively inexpensive) kiddo soon!
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Sending positive thoughts your way
I know how stressful the timing can be. This whole journey we have embarked upon often seems like a game, and no matter how much we think we have it figured out, it seems our bodies often fool us and then we are back to the starting line. And in the end we can still time everything perfectly and not win - on to the next cycle. At least you are not out of this cycle yet! Keep your spirits up and good luck!
The timing is the worst part. It sucks!! You are not stupid - even the experts can't tell you exactly when anyone is going to ovulate.
You are very fortunate to have a KD available to you. If you are concerned about wearing him out, can be up front about that with him?
Best of luck, and don't be so hard on yourself!
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